I Know You Are…But What Am I?
02 Jun 2011 Leave a Comment
Hello all…I know it’s been quite a while, but hey…I’ve been busy. School, kids, work, and the general daily grind have sucked me and my time into the vacuum bag of LIFE. Now, I have a bit of a break. And lucky for you…dear reader…I’m pissed, and I’m going to tell you about it. Yay, right?
For starters, I’m 41. Yeah, I said it. Not exactly thrilled about it…but that’s the way it is. It’s better than the alternative, I guess. That being said, I graduated from high school back in the late 80s, see? So why, please tell me, am I still dealing with lame-ass, gossipy, insecure, bitchy, sophomoric females? Huh? Why do I still have people whispering over my shoulder, and why am I being speculated about by people who don’t even freakin’ KNOW me? Huh? Do I hold some sinister allure that makes me stand out like a sore thumb, or am I too confident for my own good? It’s kind flattering to think that you consume someone’s thoughts, right, until you really think about it. At this age…it feels like I have a stalker and not in the good way though I’m not sure there really IS a good way. Could it be as simple as a rogue booger on my face? Maybe?? Whatevah the reason, I’m getting far too old for cliquey, mean shit.
It still makes me mad, just like anyone, to be talked about in a vicious way, but now it seems it could effect my family as well depending on the forum. The kids are in school, you know? Talk about me all you want to, but leave my family OUT of it, right ladies? I’m serious. Don’t make me go all “Crazy-Ass Honey Badger” on somebody…wouldn’t be pretty. Anyway, I can sit here and write that it’s not all about me it’s about my family…but ya know what…it might just be about ME. So for those “grown-ups” out there reading this and thinking that you have NO idea what I’m talking about…you’re probably part of SOMEBODY’S problem because most people, especially women, know EXACTLY what I’m talking about. There. Whew. Sorry for that. I was beginning to feel guilty about using this blog as a forum for my aggression…but hey, it’s MY blog, right? Lol. I can do whatever I damn well please. So there. **raspberry** So glad I grew up right… (Deep Sigh…)
Sorry for the crazy bitch session, but it was needed. MUCH cheaper than a therapist. Wish I could have a true “come to Jesus” with the guilty individuals. Oh well. If there is a reader actually taking precious time to read this, I’d love to hear one about of your experiences with this nightmarish issue. I promise I won’t scream anymore. 
Bad Monkey…Bad Monkey…Bad, Bad Monkey
27 Jul 2010 Leave a Comment
Me with the bad monkeys
I think you’d all agree with me that the 1995 movie Congo was awful. Basically, it’s my go to standard for rating terrible movies. That being said, I immediately stole the catch phrase the lamo sign language speaking monkey used in the most pitiful scene in the film. Why? Because it’s excellent. It means so much while saying so little. This little phrase can be used daily in place of the maniacal cursing you’d like to unleash or instead of the brilliantly snide remark you think of seconds after the chance to use it. Let’s say you run upon an asshole checkout clerk…”bad monkey…bad, bad monkey.” An idiot cuts you off in traffic, the gyno is a bit ”attitudinal” during your exam, the waiter spills food on your new D&G ensemble, the pedicurist takes off a little too much cuticle, your kid wedges a tuna sandwich in the sofa that you find days later…”bad monkey…bad monkey…bad, bad monkey.” See what I mean. But for the full effect, you must use the hand gesture that goes along with it. If you don’t know what I’m talking about or have never seen the movie, I don’t know whether to congratulate you or pity you. The movie really stinks…but, the little gesture is magic.
I’m bringing this up because I’m realizing just how much of what we watch sinks into the psyche. It’s scary, really. Granted, not all of it is bad for us. Channels like The Science Channel, National Geographic, History Channel, Food Network (for the recipes…not the stupid kitchen competitions!), etc provide useful, educational daily morsels. Plus, movies like The Godfather, E.T., anything by Ang Lee, the Monty Python collection, etc bring either a wit, wisdom, or new vision that can only benefit and entertain the viewer. But, when I think of how many episodes of Gilligan’s Island or The Land of the Lost I sat through as a kid, I can almost hear the brain cells snap, crackle, poppin’ at an alarming rate. It’s worse now days. The level of crap on television has slipped to an incredibly new low. I actually found myself staring at the Kardashians’ show one day, but thankfully, my husband ran in and saved me. Television is like a tranquilizer! Has it always been this way, or have I been hypnotised too?? I don’t watch as much as I used to…thank goodness. But, doesn’t the majority of the content scream of stupidity? Reminds me of the movie Idiocracy (not the TBS or Comedy Channel version…I’m talking about the uncut, filthy one). This movie is dumb too but has great parallels and metaphors. It’s possibly where we’re headed in 500 yrs. Scary…quite scary. Rent it and let me know what you think. Why don’t you rent Congo too, while you’re at it? Maybe you can benefit from the silly ”bad monkey” nature of things in our day-to-day grind. Good luck…
The Dog Days of Summer are Rippin’ Me a New One
21 Jul 2010 2 Comments
Let’s pretend for a minute that one day a woman from Georgia moves to Colorado with all her cute little southern eccentricities. This chick is instantly engaging in far too many conversations about where she’s from, since her accent is about as subtle as a brick in the face. She regales new friends and neighbors with stories of the South she left behind. She misses southern food (aka – anything fried!), longs for the beach, only thinks of skiing as something you do behind a boat, and LIVES for summer! Winters in Colorado drive this woman to hibernation as well as endless baking. This girl dreams of hanging with the kids without a care in the world…
Now flash forward a few years. Did you know horizons can be broadened without any realization of the party involved?? Me either. Well, I understood that was possible for other people…people that live asleep at the wheel. So imagine my surprise, being that sweet, genteel (yeah, right!) woman from Georgia, waking to the realization that I CAN”T WAIT for summer to be over! Yeah, I said it. The kids are driving me crazy, it’s too hot (I can’t believe I just wrote that), and I need to get back to work! If I have to spend another day at the pool, I’m going to poke my eyes out. I realize that I’ll get very little sympathy from anyone who’s working through this sizzling summer forced to wear “office attire” while daydreaming about slathering sunscreen on exposed portions of the body…but SO WHAT! I can barely take it anymore.
Hopefully, someone can relate to what I’m saying here. At forty, I understand that I need something just for me. Going back to school opened the proverbial floodgates of possibilities for me. Granted, I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, but I’m loving the journey of discovery that’ll hopefully guide me to figuring it out. Plus, if I have to referee one more argument about whose turn it is to have remote control control, I’m gonna hurt somebody!
Basically, I don’t think I’m stay-home mom material. I’m an Aries for God’s sake not that we’re all created equally, but I do feel there might be certain shreds of truth to astrology. Althought some Aries friends of mine adapt swimmingly to the summers of swimming, it’s not that easy for me anymore. In an attempt to drive home my point, here’s a short list of people in history born within a week of my birthday: Lenin, Hitler, Queen Elizabeth the II, Catherine the Great, Shakespeare, Jack Nicholson, Picasso, Joan Miro, and Barbara Streisand. No, I’m not planning world domination…although the thought has crossed my mind. I’m just trying to stress the level of stress that I feel for the need to DO something. I understand the importance of being a terrific parent and raising children that will be valid, contributing members of society. I get it and feel that’s happening. But, I need more! Am I selfish? Am I completely and totally out-of-bounds on this one? Hopefully not, since that’s honestly the feeling.
So. As I relegate myself to another month of being at the utter beck and call of a 9 & 10 yr. old, I daydream of getting back into classes, accepting work projects, and self-sabotaging designated writing time. AHHH, the good ole days.
Are Your Christmas Lights Still Up???
13 Jan 2010 3 Comments
Granted, Christmas is not my favorite holiday. Number one, it’s cold. It’s also commercialized, expensive, and laced with unattainable expectation. Families feel forced to be ”together” so soon after Thanksgiving even with the outrageous cost of air travel and gasoline. Crowded stores are filled with folks chasing the perfect gift which will probably need returning, and $25 gift cards are often exchanged. Come on…you know what I mean. You buy the nieces $25 gift cards while your kids are opening the card with their $25 gift card from the nieces. It’s silly, really.
That being said, every year I hear amazing stories of generosity and acts of immense kindness. So, no. I’m not a Scrooge. I’m just ready for it to be over when it’s over. Christmas was on a Friday this year, and we took our tree down on the following Sunday. Are you shocked and awed?? Look people…it’s OVER! Don’t you want the New Year fresh and not riddled with remnants of last year’s holiday? I know I do. I really like to get my house back in order as quickly as possible. Plus, we’ve had that damn thing up since the weekend after Thanksgiving. Gees…
I have friends that, bless their hearts, simply ooze Christmas during the season. I tolerate them, since they’re only obnoxious for a few weeks every year. Their houses look like they’ve been hosed down with jolliness. This is fine, and after a while becomes endearing as a character trait. But, when it’s over, it’s over. Move on.
So. What’s the problem with you people who still turn on your outdoor lights every night? It’s the middle of January. Are we getting a jump on next year? I can understand a busy schedule or even procrastination either of which could prevent their coming down…but DON”T TURN THEM ON! Good Lord. And please don’t let yourself fall into the class of the few that just leave them up the rest of the year. Tacky much??
Here’s my plea…let’s end it. Can we all look eternally forward to next year’s holiday season by this time every year? PLEASE? You know it’s not gone forever, right? We only have a few short months before trees arrive in the stores and Christmas music is pumped over the loud speakers at an annoying decibel level. Relax. It comes around again before you know it. Now, make yourself a giant cocktail, force your husband up on the ladder, and stupidvise his immediate removal of those lights. It won’t be so bad…you might actually feel better. And no, this does not mean you can start decorating for Easter.
You Know You Like It…
07 Jan 2010 2 Comments
Don’t you love to call somebody out on their hypocritical behaviour? I know I do.
While shopping earlier this week, I found myself standing behind a very attractive young woman probably in her early twenties. Her jeans were the low waisted kind that nearly gave her “plumber butt” and yet successfully showed the bright red thongs that were flossing her fanny. She had one of those year-round tans and a top that left nothing to the imagination. And, this was all for the supermarket. Being as cynical, crass, and hideously jealous as I was, I must admit she was cute. But, to a man around her age (or any age for that matter)…she was ripe for the pickin’.
It didn’t take long for a couple of cute rough necks to get in the checkout lane next to ours. They looked like ripped contractors…like firemen…or that guy from the cola commercials of yesteryear. You know the one, right? Anyway… Of course, they had abandoned themselves to uninhibited gawking. They didn’t care if the place was crowded or not. This girl wanted to be noticed, right??? WRONG! Damn you men and your lustful nature! First, she tried to act like she didn’t notice. Then, she stared at them finally turning her nose up in disgust. Am I getting so old that I forgot the games, or does this just seem absolutely ridiculous?
Ya know, I have feminist views and understand the plight of the hard-working woman like any woman does, but please. Please. When I was this woman’s age and I dressed like this, I was DYING for attention. And, I’d be willing to bet that if no one paid any attention to this obviously attention-starved woman she’d probably down her Xanax with a large glass of vodka and cry herself to sleep. I call it the “celebrity double standard”. They want to be in all the headlines so their careers don’t end and their egos stay in check, but GOD, don’t invade my privacy! Wow. It’s a little confusing to say the least.
So, to all you young, hot little chickadees out there…get it while the gettins’ good. It doesn’t last forever. And, you KNOW you like it. Just wait till you’re a ”cougar”. God…now that’s another post for another day.
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